Yes, you stupid bloody man! I didn't want to be around anyone for almost the entire summer! More than that, I didn't pick up a writing utensil for months! I felt like my skin was crawling off of my body. I was afraid I would look in the mirror and no longer see myself, only see Him. I was petrified!

The only reason I got through anything I did was because my parents did not let me run away. They made sure I was surrounded by my family, my brothers. They made sure I didn't have a choice in the matter. They saved my life, and you didn't bloody let me save yours! That's our job for each other, Neville Longbottom. We save each other. We used to save each other.

Maybe not reading your letters would be easier. I might understand why you didn't, now.

He left.

Draco just left.

Blaise's mother is dead and he just left.

The house feels empty. I'm going back to the clinic. I need to stock the potions in the rooms.

I can't believe he just left, just like Nev

Date: 9.7.2008
Patient: 900183274 Aubrey van Andel and 900395293 Dominic Andrew van Andel
Reason for visit: Birth
Outcome: Success
Healer Notes: Pt 900183274 delivered a healthy baby, pt 900385293, at 13:01 on September seventh, 2003. The child arrived five weeks before expected due date, but showed no signs of ill health. Both pt stayed overnight in clinic for observation. Well-baby and Well-woman exam will be suggested in one months time, to check on health of both child and mother.
Healer: GW

They found  Someone else

They found who supplied the poison to Crabbe. They found them and they're in custody. The person that made that poison and gave it to Crabbe. Did they know what he planned to do with it? Were they there when he changed into Charlie and left to kill me? When will I know who it is? What kind of sentence could it carry?

No sleep tonight. Only questions.

Found out something I didn't need to know this last week. Pushed the issue and made Blaise tell me.

Is there a potion to rid your mind of something you know? I think there is. I'm seriously considering it.

I'm not quite sure what to do with the information that Draco slept with Blaise's mum. When he was sixteen. I don't know why this is... Maybe it's because he was young and she was older? Or... I get the feeling that she thinks of him like a son.

Yes. That's got to be it. She thinks of him as a son... that she slept with... when he was still underage.

It's not making me look at Draco any different, really. I mean, yes, when he says "mother fucker" anytime soon, I might giggle until I hyperventilate, but I'm not really thinking bad on him for it. I mean... he doesn't like it that I slept with Harry. I'm sort of weirded out that he slept with Blaise's mum. I guess that makes us even. Sort of.

Maybe not.

Here's hoping for a week that won't have be finding out information I didn't want to know about my boyfriend.

I just shuddered again. Ridiculous.

I'm sore. And tired. They're both good things very good things but they are proving a bit difficult for me to get up in the morning and go to the convention. I'm almost out of pepper-up potions, and we've only been here three days. It's pretty ridiculous when I have trouble rolling out of bed for a meeting that's in the hotel we're staying at. I don't even have to travel. I just have to get up, take a shower and get dressed, and then go downstairs.

I've been late to a few discussions. I blame Draco. Of course, whenever I say something like that, he just grins at me smugly and says 'Well, you asked for it when you decided to bring me.'

I suppose I did.

I'm not complaining, per se... I just feel...

Alright. I feel deliriously happy. But sore. And tired.

Draco's still asleep. He doesn't have anything to do while I'm downstairs talking about new procedures for healing wounds and a new potion that helps level out fevers. I don't feel bad though. He's been reading a bit. I think he might have taken a walk about Salem a bit too. There really are a lot of neat things to look at here. The witch museum was laughable, to say the least. Interesting, though. Sad, too.

I have to actually get up and take a shower, but I have a feeling that when I start the water, I won't be taking the shower alone...

Two days. Two days and I leave for America. Two days and the clinic will be left in Neville, Blaise, and Susan's hands.

I don't think I can do this.

I'm excited about spending time with Draco, don't get me wrong. Being away from everyone, and just being with him is..

It's not that. That's the good part. The bad part is that I'll be leaving the clinic. Leaving. Gone. Unable to simply apparate if there's an emergency.

Blaise and Neville are going to be there all alone, with only Susan to buffer. I told her she could do anything in her power to make sure the place doesn't blow up, but I'm not sure it'll help.

Dammit.

I can't think about them killing each other. They're going to be fine. I know it. I trust them. I trust them.

I trust them, right? I do. I trust them. I do.

I need to pack.

I've done some thinking. I was concerned at my family's lack of a reaction to the announcement about me dating Draco, but the more I think about it, the more I think they might have just been in shock. It's obviously something I kind of sprung it on them. It was stupid of me to do it like I did, and I see that now. I should have talked to them one on one.. told my parents separately, then the rest of the family.

Not to mention I haven't even heard from Draco in almost a week and a half. Those stinted owls... I don't know if it'll even matter anymore. I might have told them all about him, and now he'll never want to see me agai

Michael Corner owled me. We're having dinner on Friday. I really don't know what possessed me to say yes.

No. I do know why. Michael has always reminded me of easier times, during Hogwarts, when all I had to worry about was Gryffindor beating Hufflepuff at quidditch and winning the house cup. Easy is what I could use right now.

Found Harry's Christmas present at the bottom of my closet. It's sitting next to my bed. Not sure what I'm going to do with it. Send it? Would he send it back?

Draco's present arrived today as well. Is sitting next to Harry's on the nightstand. Very odd. Upsetting.

I don't know what to do. I just need  sleep  time 

It's better than it was on Monday. Stop thinkin

Pansy Parkinson wants to donate money to the clinic. Not sure what to think about that. Not sure how to respond.  ask Dra

I need to make a visit tomorrow. I've been putting it off. It's time.

He couldn't even
                                                 The way he looked                                              Never seen him
                              What am I suppos                Not able to be

                                     He hates me and I don't know what
Dean is                                                                                                    
                                                                                                  How and I supposed to be alr
                                                                                               Can't go
                               Draco's never going to loo                    
                                                                     Didn't want him to find out this way

Dad visited on Thursday. I really didn't realize how much him and Mum's approval really means to me until he was here telling me he was proud of me. Tears. It was pathetic really, but him and Mum will always be the ones I strive to impress. As long as they think I'm on the right path, I'm not wrong. I can't be.

Thinking of how wonderful my parents are makes me feel worse for Draco. His mum actually told him to stop seeing Hannah. And that Blaise couldn't see her either. I don't know what to do. It's not like I'm going to talk to Narcissa about it. Yeah. That would go over real well.

'I know you don't know me, but I'm seeing your son and your husband tried to kill him when I was eleven. Do you have a moment for a chat?'

No. Not at all.

Blaise, for all his hiding, wasn't taking the news great either. He actually took me dancing last night. I hope getting his mind off things for a bit helped. Why he didn't take Hannah, I have no idea, but seeing as it was my first time in a club, I can't much complain. It was fun, if not for my feet killing me this morning. The crowds weren't nice. They weren't nice at all, but I believe Blaise kept handing me drinks in an effort to keep me from freaking out. It worked, which was nice. It was nice to help a friend.

Which I feel I failed horribly at with Dean. He's... broken, but trying to hold it together. I didn't know Alicia, past flying with her for one year and knowing her and Dean had been dating shagging seeing each other, but I can tell it's wrong. The whole thing it wrong. Random murder? That's not supposed to happen. Ever. It just doesn't make sense. Especially for someone as famous as Alicia. Why would someone want to murder her? She seemed like an alright girl in school, and if Dean liked her, it means she had something.

And now I feel just awful for telling Dean she wasn't good enough for him. Stupid.

I need to visit Fred. Soon. Make sure he's alright. I'm slightly hesitant too, because of what happened the last time I tried to comfort him after something like this happened-

No. Nothing like that has happened. Never will again. We won't ever go through something like that again. Gods willing.

Owl. Right. I should Owl Dean too. Make sure everything's alright.

First? Pain relief charm on my feet. Damn boots. You were so pretty but you foil my every move!

Boys are so fucking stupid.

Honestly?

Honestly!

I haven't talked to or seen Draco since Thursday. I don't  I'm not sure 

Everything is so confusing. He helps me relax, but at the same time whenever I'm around him I'm tight like a rubber band that's about to snap. I've never been so calm and so relaxed at the same time. Like I'm freezing and on fire.   ridiculous  doesn't even make sense

I need to go home. See Mum and Dad. They always help me understand things. Not that I can actually tell them what I'm confused about. I can't    If Harry hears   Either way, I'm due for a visit.

Dean's moved out. The bed is cold at night now. I really hope I didn't push him out. I know he said it made sense with both of us dating someone, but I didn't look at it that way. I liked having him there. It made it easier to sleep with  less nightmares  someone beside me.

Business is good. More and more people coming from St. Mungo's. I hope Neville decides it's worth it. I'm already getting tired, even after having Thursday night off.

I miss Luna. I haven't seen her in... I can't even remember how long it's- Movie night! Wasn't that over a month ago? Yeah. Merlin. One best friend moves out, the other I never get to see because my schedule is-

I asked for this. I started this. I can't complain about it. Quit complaining about it. You love the fact that you know each of your patients names, they're imaginary friend's name, whether they like grape or strawberry acid pops... I love that. I love it. I love the numb feet, the chapped hands from all the antiseptic charms. I love where I am.

I just wish sleep was included... Or at least sleep next to Dean. The man is a human-heater.

I don't think I've just kissed for as long as I did tonight.

Draco Malfoy's tongue is talented. I wonder where he learned

I'll have to ward this entry. Gods above, if Fred found it. Or Dean. Or Harry.

Why do I surround myself with such bitchy men? I have no idea.

Here's hoping our next date starts out as well as this one ended.

Has friend in America. Pretty. Must not be jealous.

Flutters. Flutters in the stomach. My butterflies have little butterflies of their own, and the tiny second butterflies are bitches.

It's Blaise's birthday. I think he thinks I forgot. I didn't. I'm just going to owl it to him when I get home. I don't think I could really speak to him today. Not with the butterflies threatening to climb out of my throat and fly around the room.

I look down and my foot's twitching again. Stupid foot.

I have no idea what to wear.

Fuck.

I have a date.

With Draco Malfoy.

I think I made him angry/pouty last time we saw each other. It's not that I don't like him. I do. At least, I think I do. What I've seen (and that's been a lot. As in.... I've seen him naked. Twice.) I like. I don't know him yet.

I wasn't kidding when I said that my brother and Harry will throw a fit over this. That's part of the reason. It is.

The other part isn't so easy to explain.

I've been in love and in a relationship exactly two times in my life. One was dark. Wrong. It doesn't make sense, and it's taken me years to understand it. Years.

Then there's Harry. So light. Yes, he has dark parts. Wicked parts. Like that time  But the fact of the matter is... the last person I liked who had that darkness to them... it didn't end right. It wasn't right. That type of darkness still terrifies me.

If I had been there when that Dark Mark went off... I would have frozen. I wouldn't have been able to move.

I surround myself with so much light (Harry, Luna, healing) because the dark scares me. It freezes the blood in my veins and turns me to stone. My heart slows and I forget to breathe.

The last time I touched the dark I almost died. Therapy helped. I understand a bit more, but I don't think that terror ever goes away. Not really.

I was drawn to the dark before. I don't think Draco's the same, but I didn't think Thomas was the same either.

I was wrong.

And here I am, flirting with the dark. Literally. I don't know if it's the smartest thing to do, but I can't talk to anyone about it. Just like I can't explain Thomas to anyone. No one would understand. Harry tried to tell me he could, but he can't. How do you tell someone, and make them understand, that you fell in love with a part of something that black? You can't. It's impossible. I've learned this. I deal with it every day.

How was I supposed to explain that to him?

Things have taken a turn.

For Better? For worse?

Not sure.

Though, knowing he likes me is much easier to deal with than not knowing and feeling like a traitorous slag who's lusting after her partner's boyfriend.

Still not sure how to take the news that he lied to me. Still very angry about that. His lips, it seem, have this funny way of making me forget about it. Which is ridiculous and makes me feel like an insipid cow, but I can't do much about it, now can I?

I'm going to talk to Blaise today.  I will talk to Blaise today. I have to. I need to know how the potions I'm giving to my clients work. Open for two weeks and I poison a client? That wouldn't be good for business.

Well, neither would be hexing Blaise for being an idiot by going along with Draco's idiot plan.

Boys are so fucking stupid sometimes.

But so am I. And I am a girl. Last time I checked, though it's been a while. Which means girls are stupid as well.

We're all just stupid bloody people walking about in a stupid bloody world waiting to make stupid bloody mistakes.

Gosh, I'm a ray of sunshine this morning. The talk with Blaise should go smashingly.

Must not forget that sarcasm is lost in a journal.

Ugh
This journal is for future me.


Future me,

Do not drink when you don't feel your happiest. You drink too much, say stupid, ludicrous things, and wake up the next day feeling like there is a bludger smashing about the inside of your head. It's unpleasant.

Past you


This being said, I think I am finally the last one of my friends not having sex. Luna had sex about a year ago with the Bastard. Dean had sex. Harry obviously had sex with Mac as he didn't deny it last night. Me?

Harry. 2 and a half years ago.

This does not make me happy. It's rather depressing actually, but I'm really not one for just going out to find somebody to scratch the itch. I can do that myself. I don't miss the sex so much as the fact that you're with someone you like, someone who thinks you're pretty. I miss that. I miss waking up beside someone who has their arms around you.

Yes, Dean has done that on several mornings, and I love Dean so much I say inebriated stupid things to him in a form of protection, but it's not the same thing.

Alright. I lied. I miss the sex.

And now I sound like a slag. Perfect. The wine is obviously not out of my system.

What the bloody hell am I doing up again?

Oh, yeah. Bathroom. Right. Bathroom then back to bed. Snuggle with Dean. Ignore hippogryff sized headache.


Future me,

People who like to gallivant about naked should be avoided.

Past me